Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

“Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
“A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

“Q. Where will the government get this money?
“A. From taxpayers.

“Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
“A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

“Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
“A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

“Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
“A. Shut up.”

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Qaeda

If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Germany, Japan and Korea.

If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India

If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan

If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, domestic beer, or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

After just one day of President Obama’s term, Fox News has made their position clear. They are going to be the peanut gallery, rooting for failure. Enjoy this clip from The Daily Show:

Driving on the Autobahn in Germany at 140 mph in his BMW Z4, the driver hit a deer. The deer disappeared. The driver stopped and wondered where did the deer go?

This is what he found…

For all you deer hunters, this is how you pack a 150 lb deer into a BMW Z4 convertible…

This bike mounted laser paints a bike lane behind you as you ride, brilliant!

A new website lets you search by name or department and see exactly how much anyone earns. Talk about a violation of privacy, but I guess since they are paid using public funds its fair. But still to be able to search by name is crazy, check it out if you want.

Not the sharpest tool in the Madrasah.

California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents. As it turned out, drivers were losing control and running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant women’s pubis displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.

The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous pubis and came upon the tracks of a young hairdresser named Nelly Node. Nelly’s passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the zoomed picture on her Volkswagen Beetle. Nelly decided to use such a shameless method to prepare her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. The witty student’s idea worked for the college professors.

She was proudly driving her ‘pubic beetle’ until the CHP arrested the woman. The court ruled that Nelly’s car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. The girl had to paint over her car’s hood.

Here’s a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.